I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize