my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
