Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
