If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
