The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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