i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
you never un-have a 4some
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
