Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
