never play flip cup with pint glasses
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
