All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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