Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm passing your future prison.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
