There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
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