This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Randomize
