Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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