remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
