Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
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