I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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