We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
