I wish I could teleport
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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