If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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