Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
