im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
