I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Drunk is not a location!
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
