I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
