im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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