I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
