Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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