Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
