dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
