My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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