Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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