you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
