I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
