He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
