So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
