he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
