There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
