I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
