he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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