Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
