oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
