This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize