I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
