she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
i think my cat just said my name.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
