I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
