Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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