My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
