So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
