i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
