sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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