Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
