Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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