i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
