If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
