wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
