If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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