i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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