I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
