We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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