I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize