i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
