We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I lost the right to judge tonight
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
