Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize