I murdered the dance floor call the cops
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
